Monday, January 11, 2010

Remembering my husband on the 9th anniversary of his death.

Today is the ninth anniversary of my husband's death. This is a sad day every year and this year it is weighing heavy. Thinking back on the tragedy of the day. Seeing him lying there and being unable to comprehend what had happened. For those of you that don't know, my beautiful husband died on Thursday, 01/11/01 at 5:00am. He was 43 years old and the love of my life, my soul mate.
His life came to a tragic end and I will forever be unable to comprehend it. You see, my husband died from a gun shot wound to the head. I remember hearing that loud bang. I was in the shower and thought he had knocked over an old glass hurricane lamp. When I ran over to him, dripping wet I had no idea I was standing in blood. I called 911 and they stayed on the phone as I tried desperately to get him to respond to mouth to mouth resuscitation. At one point I thought he was breathing, but it was only my breath coming back out.
The horrors of that morning are vivid in my mind.
When the ambulance got here I begged them to work on him. I told them I would, just to let me use their equipment. I remember the lead paramedic yelling at me "He's dead! He's dead!"
I didn't want to call the funeral home because I didn't want him to be dead. I even asked the funeral home guy to try to wake him up before they did anything to him.
When you lose someone you truly love it is difficult to deal with their death. When you lose someone by suicide you not only have to deal with their death, but how they died as well. They are two separate issues. I don't believe you ever get over either.
My husband had a traditional Cherokee funeral. They brought him home for the wake and I sat up with him for three nights. It was dreadful cold here, but we had his funeral out back. There were over 600 people here. Cherokee Nation brought us some tents and 250 chairs. I was told that there were people all the way around the house, in the front, sides and inside.
My husband touched many lives. His memory lives in me.
God and my Dad were my rock thru it and I would not be here today if it were not for them.
Love those you are around. Life is short!


Erin said...

Oh Christie... I cannot even comprehend the horror. I am so sorry, but thankful that you had God in your life to rely on.

SHEILA said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
God Bless

Knit2getherInLove said...

Oh Christie, My heart aches for you this morning!
May you feel the warmth of God's love surround you today!

Kaleida Eclectics said...

Oh Christie, I feel so sad for you..I can't imagine how horrible that day and coping with his loss must have been for you.
My heart goes out to you today..

Sprinces Dreamweaver Sculpts said...

Oh Christie, I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. {{Hugs}}

mattscraftywife said...

God bless you dear Jacki. My prayers are with you this sad day.

Harvest Moon by Hand said...

Oh my....what a moving and sad part of your life.

My friend's step-father committed suicide when she was in her 20s. Her brother discovered him in a bedroom. Same tragic way of death. There's still an emptiness and questions that linger today...some 20 years later.

May the memories that you and your husband shared comfort you during these difficult times...especially on the anniversary of his passing.

MYSAVIOR said...

My dear Jacki -

I feel the pain of your loss through your words. May the Lord give you comfort now and always.


Anonymous said...

Dear Jacki ~ praying that you find comfort today in the arms of the Lord. I am truly sorry for your loss and cannot imagine what you have suffered through this situation. (((HUGS)))

Julie said...

Oh Christie, I am so sorry, I did not know about this. How tragic. I lost my dad when I was 19, he was my best's a tough thing to go through, I can't imagine losing my soulmate.

Hugs to you.

Debbie said...

((((Hugs)))) Jacki I am so sorry for your pain

First Light Glass said...

You will be on my heart and in my prayers.

Dig The Earth said...

I can't even begin to imagine the pain of your loss. Be strong. My heart goes out to you today.

Hampton House said...

Jacki, please know that I am praying for you and your family. What a tragic loss for y'all. I wish I were there to give you a hug and just sit there with you so you are not alone.

TheDancersSpirit said...

Jacki, I am so sorry that this happened to you. You are in my thoughts and my heart.

Anonymous said...

You have a strong faith Jacki.
Words are hard to come up with for this.
You had told me it had something to do with the meds he was taking(side effects).
I hope they took that med off the market.
May God's peace be with you(&yours) today and always.

gentle adornments said...

I can't even imagine. {{hugs}}

VivatRegina said...

Oh Jacki! I'm so sorry! My heart is aching for you and your loss. I will be praying for you today, as I understand that it will be a tough day. (((LOTS OF HUGS!!!)))

- Regina

AlyGatr said...

I'm so sorry you had to live through such a tragedy. Living with that memory has to be tough. My dad died 10 years ago this past a fairly young age...and I miss him every day still.

Hugs and my thoughts are with you today.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you. Wishing you peace.

Tickleworm said...

I am sorry for your loss.

PACountry said...

I am so sorry... praying for you today, dear!

kingpen said...

Prayers and hugs to you Jacki. Stay strong! Lots of love.

Susan (sknat)

FashionPeachPanda said...

So very sorry, Jacki. You poor one should ever have to go through that. My thoughts and prayers will be will you today. *Hugs*

Welcome said...

I pray that all those that you have shared this pain with, can take a little away for you each and every day.
May God bless you and keep you wrapped in some comfort today.

Magpie said...

I'm so sorry you experienced loss like this.

Wishing you peace. Tomorrow will be a brighter day.

BabyNest said...

Jacki, I am so sorry for your loss and pain..Be strong, we are all thinking of you and your family...


cory - falling star lane said...

Oh, sweetie, my hearts breaks at your words, i can only imagine your heart breaking every day without him. I am so thankful every day for my husband and family, knowing that at anytime, they too can be taken from me. Thank you for sharing, and helping to adjust our perspective on the importance of our loved ones in our lives. It is too easy to take for granted those we love and count on.
God Bless You.
Praying for your heart today, for peace, love and support to be with you.

~Angela~ Eleventeen Apparel said...

May God bring you comfort today. So very, very sorry to hear this.

KippysSoMature said...

I love you so, so much,
and because I don't know what to say,
I'll pray the Father, to comfort you and love you and give you the peace that surpasses all human understanding,
He will keep your heart and mind in Him,
His peace♥

jennifer aka Kippy
thank you for sharing the Love of Christ DAILY, and especially at times like this. Christie, through your writings, you reach so many in Christ's love; through your pain, so many are encouraged to live-because You live! You share Joy - through so much pain - Precious, Precious Treasure Christie - it is an honor and a blessing beyond words to know you

shirley said...

Such a tragic loss...My thoughts and prayers go out to you. You are a strong woman with a strong faith.
God bless you for being the wonderful person that you are and know that you are loved by many.


quiltingfrenzy said...

So sorry for your loss and how it happened. My thoughts and prayers are with you to help you get through this difficult day and to be strong in the days to come.

serenasgifts said...

I am so sorry I cannot imagine what I would do or the depth of your feeling in your situation. I know it will never go away but perhaps through your example of love you will create a positive change in others with their loved ones.

cabin + cub said...

My heart goes out to you for such a tragic loss... that is very sad news. Warm hugs and positive thoughts to you on this day of reflection.

MAB Jewelry said...

Oh, honey, hugs to you. Big hugs. If you ever need anything, please convo me, yeah?

Penrose Designs said...

Jacki - I'm so sad for you! I cannot possibly know what you are going through, but I will pray that the Lord give you peace! I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

Almost Precious said...

Dear Christie -
43 is such a young age to lose one's life and suicide makes it all the more tragic. We truly know so little about the mysteries of the human brain, the causes of deep depression and the way medications react and affect the brain's chemistry. Unfortunately there are many, many lives that have been touched in much the same way that yours has. It almost seems as though depression has become pandemic.

I know that no matter how many years go by, your late husband will always hold that special place in your heart . There will always be those moments when you miss him and feel lonely without him. But rest assured that he is in a lovely place and has been free from that deep, dark black depression that had over whelmed and consumed him. Also know that he would want you to remember the good times, the happy moments, those memories that made you laugh. He would not want you to feel such sorrow. Remember you are never alone, he and the Lord will always be watching over you. Also remember that you have a ton of wonderful friends who love and care about you.
Take care and God Bless you always.

Graceful Moments said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My cousin and childhood playmate took her life in 2008 by the same method. I was in a tailspin of depression and confusion for months even though I had not seen my cousin for about 20 years. I cannot begin to imagine the horror and pain that you felt and must still feel today. Praying for comfort and peace for you that only God can provide.

Flaunt Designs Jewelry said...

You are so brave, Jacki, to share the story that must fill you with pain each time you tell it, but just know that you are surrounded by people who love you - even if you haven't personally met most of us Etsy ones! Hold fast to your husband's love and all the wonderful times you shared... I don't know what else to say ♥

Kathleen said...

Praying for the Lord to comfort you!

Ramblin Mama said...

There are really no words to say at these moments. Just know we are there, sending loving thoughts of support. All I can offer is a huge cyber hug and a listening ear. Sit back, take a deep breath and remember the good times. Remember why you loved him so much and know that his spirit will always be there inside you. Feel his warmth. Hang in there.

purplecat said...

Jacki, I had no idea you had suffered such a tragedy.You are in my prayers, may you feel Gods loving arms around you.(((((hugs))))

ClayItAgain / 12MidnightOils said...

I cannot even imagine how this must torment you. Special prayers are being sent to help you cope with the constant memory of this tragedy.
Thank you for sharing such a painful part of your life and know that everytime sorrows are shared, it helps to ease the pain♥

Link said...

Jackie - I am so sorry you have to go through this every year. What a terrible anniversary to live through. Our thoughts and prayers are with you on this and day and the days to come. I hope the pain is less year by year and the happy times you had together become forefront in your mind.

Rosey said...

Thanks for sharing your sad story and reminding us how short life is.
You are very bravexxx

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