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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Tuesday - Remembering my Husband

Remembering My Husband,
My Best Friend, My Soul Mate.
Life goes by in the blink of eye.
Trust me.

As I sit here typing this tribute to my husband, 
I think back to ten years ago tonight.
That was my last night with him.
How could I know that it would be?
How could I love him so much 
and survive without him?

I had no idea that the next morning 
I would be facing the horror of my life.
Something that I see in my mind every day.
A sight that hurts me, even from my memory.
A wound that does not heal.

As time goes by,I can laugh about all the good times,
And Yes! there were many!
But it's the sight burned into my memory that haunts me.
I will never get over it.
You see, 10 years ago, my husband took his own life.

Suicide is torture and torment for all who are left behind.
Death and suicide are two different things.
I have tried to explain this and people do not understand.
You see, we all deal with the death of loved ones. 
We don't all deal with the suicide and the death of a loved one.

There is a hurt that is so deep within me. 
It's in a place that I can not access. 
I have no idea how to get to it.
I believe that suicide wounds your soul.
It's not intentional. It just happens.
It's bound up, in the love you have for them.


There are things in life we take for granted.
Don't let it be your loved ones!
Every day when my husband was alive, I thanked God for him.
My husband brightened my life.
He made me laugh.
He made me feel safe.
He listened to me.
He understood me.
He was a best friend to me.
He was a good husband to me.
Then, one day he left me...
You don't stop loving someone when they die.
I truly believe I love him more now than ever.
I got past spending endless hours at the cemetery.
I got past people asking me where he was.
I got through it...
 by the Grace of GOD!
HE carried me through....
(Picture "Footprints in the Sand")

~~~

Thank you for reading my tribute to the love of my life.
Now go tell yours that you love them!
at

65 comments:

  1. AnonymousJanuary 11, 2011 at 6:44 AM

    Wow Jacki...my heart aches for you. You are so right, suicide and death are not the same.

    My aunt's husband also ended his life and I think the worst part for her is that people really don't understand. You really can't comfort.

    I pray for you both, to continue to find all that you need in HIM! God bless you abundantly today...I pray that you will be able to remember the blessings and have the horrid memory washed away...by the blood of the Lamb.

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  2. AudreyJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:02 AM

    Jacki - I will pray for you today, and cry for you too. This makes my heart ache too. No one can imagine what you must have gone through, but we all certainly admire you for making it through and not only surviving but also thriving!
    We love you Jacki!

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  3. sweetybird09January 11, 2011 at 7:09 AM

    Jacki,
    This is so personal for you to share here with us, and for that I thank you, none of us unless we have gone through a suicide can understand how you are feeling, all we can do is come beside you, pray for you, comfort you and love you, with the help of Jesus Christ our Lord.

    Take care on this day with all your thoughts and may you reflect on the good memories you had with your husband.

    Love Joyce

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  4. SHEILAJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:11 AM

    Jacki,
    I cannot imagine what you have been through. But your tribute is a beautiful testament to your husband and the love you shared. God Bless

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  5. sandy's cape cod originalsJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:15 AM

    beautiful tribute for your husband...I'm sure he was a very special person. His work on earth was done. I will pray for you today also.
    hugs
    sandy

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  6. watercolorsJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:22 AM

    Dear Jacki, what a tragic memory and loss, but it's overshadowed by your deep love and his memories. I don't think anyone can really comprehend suicide.

    How could anyone make it without our our wonderful Lord and Savior? Your words testify that He is your strength and comfort.

    Ever since I found out, have been praying for you. Many, many others will be lifting you up today.

    Thank you for sharing such a personal event and you be comforted today by your friends compassion.

    Love, Roxanne

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  7. UnknownJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:25 AM

    WOW - what a beautiful post. No words to express what I'm feeling.

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  8. JeanetteJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:26 AM

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. But so glad that you had a wonderful husband and marriage! Thank you for this reminder to not take things and people for granted! ~J

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  9. OursjJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:42 AM

    Wow - you are such s strong woman and my thoughts are with you. Although, I've never lost a dear family member to suicide, we did have 2 classmates take their own lives with a year of each other - so many questions and people left behind to wonder and some lives crushed too as they were both fathers to young children.

    You said it best - death and suicide are different - thinking of you!
    ~ Jen

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  10. Maureen Cracknell HandmadeJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:52 AM

    Lovely post Jacki! I'm sorry for your loss and can understand how different losing someone that way is. I'm glad you have a strong faith to help you through it all and that you are able to remember the love that you two have!

    xo,
    maureen

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  11. Zuda Gay PeaseJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:58 AM

    Sending hugs, Jacki.... Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your love, I was blessed and touched.

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  12. DebbieJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:58 AM

    Good morning jacki, what a wonderful tribute to your husband and I am so sorry he isn't with you any longer. It made my heart ache to know of the pain you must have felt and keep feeling
    ((hugs)) to you my friend

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  13. First Light GlassJanuary 11, 2011 at 8:09 AM

    Oh Jacki I am so sorry. I will be praying for you today. Thanks for sharing this with us. Glad you can remember all the love you share.

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  14. UnknownJanuary 11, 2011 at 8:16 AM

    Good morning Jacki, My heart weighs heavy for you. No one can understand the silent pain you are going through. Thanks for sharing your lovely thoughts and marriage. You will be in my prayers.

    {{{HUGS}}}
    Andi

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  15. CaraJanuary 11, 2011 at 8:32 AM

    Jacki, God bless. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.
    Hugs,
    Cara

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  16. CarolynJanuary 11, 2011 at 8:33 AM

    Jacki,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I praise God that He has the power to bring healing into our lives little by little and help us cope with such horrendous things. I am so thankful that you had such a wonderful relationship with your husband and such fond memories. May God overwhelm you with His love and comfort today as you remember your husband. Praying for you,
    Carolyn (relaxedbeauty)

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  17. RobinJanuary 11, 2011 at 8:33 AM

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing a little bit of your husband with us. His spirit lives on in your words.

    -----------------------------------
    My photography is available for purchase - visit Around the Island Photography and bring home something beautiful today!

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  18. AnonymousJanuary 11, 2011 at 8:35 AM

    I said a prayer for you today, Jacki. God doesn't always get us out of hurtful situations, but He does carry us THROUGH them.

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  19. beautiful swag storeJanuary 11, 2011 at 9:02 AM

    Hugs for you sweetie! I have to ask for personal reasons..was there any warning signs?

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  20. AnonymousJanuary 11, 2011 at 9:12 AM

    I think you should share these written words on associated content or anywhere that is read.
    God Bless.

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  21. AnonymousJanuary 11, 2011 at 9:40 AM

    oh, I am so sorry for your loss.... my heart breaks for you. (((HUGS)) to you. I will pray for continued healing for you.

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  22. tomroche.etsy.comJanuary 11, 2011 at 9:41 AM

    Jacki, I read through all the comments from our friends. What a group!!!
    Anyone who didn't know what a special person you are will know for sure now.
    Play the song "I watch the Sunrise" today because your husband is singing to you.
    Tom

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  23. ShirleyCJanuary 11, 2011 at 9:46 AM

    I'm so glad you shared this. I had no clue. You are in my prayers, and may God continue to help you endure your grief and emptiness.
    Hugs my friend.

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  24. ClayItAgain / 12MidnightOilsJanuary 11, 2011 at 9:51 AM

    Thank you Jacki for a brief glimpse into such a private memory. Prayers of strength and peace sent up for you ♥

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  25. Rosa Marias KitchenJanuary 11, 2011 at 10:02 AM

    Jacki - my thoughts and prayers are with you today. Know that your husband is still protecting you and still listening to you even though you can not see him. It takes a strong person to deal with something of this magnitude.

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  26. cardsandnotesJanuary 11, 2011 at 10:05 AM

    Wow Jacki you are a strong and remarkable woman and I can't even imagine what you have gone through and how hard it has been for you to go on without your husband. Thanks for sharing your story, you are an inspiration to us all!

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  27. UnknownJanuary 11, 2011 at 10:47 AM

    Jacki, this must be a very painful day for you. The hardest thing must be the unanswered question "Why?", but for you to have such deep and abiding love for your husband must mean that he was a very special man who loved you deeply in return. That is a gift that not everybody receives, so remember the good times, find strength where you can, and live life for two.
    My thoughts & love are with you, Jacki, and you have so many friends on Etsy and elsewhere who are praying with you right now...
    >>Hugs<<
    ~ Lin ~ ♥

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  28. andrea createsJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    Aw, I'm so sorry for your loss-
    ~Hugs~
    andrea

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  29. jlcjbuzzJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:09 AM

    Thank you for sharing your tribute with us! It is very touching. I am glad you were able to express yourself so well and I hope that in doing so you feel a little lighter today! God Bless, I am sorry for your loss.
    Carol

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  30. MYSAVIORJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:16 AM

    Dearest Jacki
    I have lost a family member to suicide and it is something that stays with you always. It does compound the pain of death.
    The Lord knows your heart and He will continue holding you forever.
    ♥♥♥
    Sue

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  31. Strand Of Pearls WomanJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:19 AM

    Jacki, you are an amazing woman, and you are a lovely example of how God's grace will carry you through the difficulties that we have in life.

    I know that I have no words to comfort you; no words to take away the pain or sadness- all I can do is offer up my prayers. My prayers are with you Jacki today, as well as those who have suffered loss from suicide. My prayers are with your husband, and with all of those whom have battled the darkness that suicide and thoughts of suicide brings them.

    Thank you for sharing this today, and for all of the encouragement that you provide to those of us you share your thoughts with.

    Sincerely,
    Pearl

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  32. AmandaJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:38 AM

    i'm so sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing. suicide has come close for one of my loved ones, so it always strikes a chord for me. ♥

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  33. Vintage PreciousJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:47 AM

    Brings tears to my eyes, I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing.

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  34. Penrose DesignsJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:59 AM

    Jacki - my heart hurts for you! Praying the Lord will bring you extra comfort today!

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  35. Jodi UlschmidJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:20 PM

    Wow Jacki! I'm so sorry for the pain you've had to go through and are still going through. Strand of Pearls said it beautifully... you are an amazing woman and quite the example for the rest of us! Thank you for sharing your story! Hugs to you friend! ♥ Jodi

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  36. BabyNestJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:20 PM

    I agree with you Jacki..I too believe you still love after someone is gone...I've never understood when people say 'I loved him' or her after they've passed..makes no sense..I am sending you happy visions with the wind today.♥ and know you are loved by so many.

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  37. AnonymousJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:23 PM

    Thank you for sharing that with us, it sounds like you had a beautiful life together.

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  38. Breathing In GraceJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:43 PM

    I'm crying...what a precious tribute to the man you still love. I have no words to help you heal that deep wound inside of you...other than to let you know that you are loved...and in my prayers!
    Love you...Deb

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  39. Cathe HoldenJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for directing me to it. I am sorry that suicide of someone we love is something we share, but thankful to know there is someone who understands the many different facets of grieving and surviving it. You husband was so handsome. I can't tell you how sorry I am that he is gone from you.

    Anniversaries are bittersweet. But to think how many blessings have entered your life in that 10 years must be of great comfort. I'll be thinking about you today.

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  40. AnonymousJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:53 PM

    Thank you so much for sharing what's in your heart. Prayers for you and your dear husband for peace and love through all the worlds of God, together.

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  41. ShadowCutterJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:58 PM

    oh sadness. I haven't personally experienced suicide (although I have a friend whose work friend committed suicide so I've seen some effect), but I understand the difference at least a little. the difference is they chose it, they decided to leave. that's different from wanting to live and stay here and having that choice taken by someone else. I can see how that would hurt more. I'm sorry this is probably not a very comforting thing to say.

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  42. UnknownJanuary 11, 2011 at 1:09 PM

    Oh wow! thanks for sharing this tribute to your husband! I was touched and I will say a little prayer for you!

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  43. MAB from OtterCatHausJanuary 11, 2011 at 1:29 PM

    Hugs to you.

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  44. Art Box DesignsJanuary 11, 2011 at 1:34 PM

    Jackie, your a very brave person and I'm sure that few would of survived such a tragic event.

    The photo of the two of you is awesome....

    Peace my friend

    Kellie

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  45. LizziJanuary 11, 2011 at 1:37 PM

    I am sorry for your loss. I know a lady whose son left her this way and the extreme pain it caused her being there when it happened is something that I don't think she could get through without God. What a beautiful tribute to your husband!

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  46. SandyssentimentsJanuary 11, 2011 at 2:18 PM

    Jackie wow. I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you must have gone through. It is so great to hear that you love him more today. I think I really needed to hear this today.

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  47. Liv @ Choosing BeautyJanuary 11, 2011 at 3:45 PM

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry - not only for your profound loss - but for the wounds that remain 10 years later. You were put here (as we all were) to live YOUR life, to fulfill your purpose, to shine your light - and that is exactly what you're doing with this blog. Helping many while healing your heart, slowly but surely. I send you love and light today especially! - Liv

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  48. Teresa KlineJanuary 11, 2011 at 5:26 PM

    I do not know what to say, I feel such hurt for you....may God always surround you with His mighty grace and love! You friend are a trooper...{{{big hugs}}}

    enjoy *~*

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  49. SuzanneJanuary 11, 2011 at 6:08 PM

    {hug}

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  50. McKellJanuary 11, 2011 at 6:11 PM

    this is a beautiful post. thinking of you.
    hugs!

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  51. Dell Cove SpiceJanuary 11, 2011 at 7:59 PM

    Jacki,

    Your post was beautiful, both in its expression of pain and its embracing of hope and faith. It takes a very strong woman to be able to survive this -- and write about it with such eloquence. *hugs* and good thoughts in your direction.

    Patricia

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  52. J HondaJanuary 11, 2011 at 9:00 PM

    Dearest Jacki (((hugs))) the first time I read of this was only a year ago...and it precedes my birthday by a day.....

    I do not know what to say except that yes - God is faithful,
    that we do not understand it all, but one day we will and in that day, we won't have anymore questions - we will be together for eternity...for all of eternity...your precious husband too - just think of it -
    for eternity :) Praise and Glory be to God, always in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ- especially when we do not understand, we will yet still, Praise His Name

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  53. KathleenJanuary 11, 2011 at 9:17 PM

    Praying for you, Jackie!

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  54. Maria NachawiJanuary 12, 2011 at 5:00 AM

    Dear Jacki
    i just stopped by your blog by chance today
    and i am glad i read your tribute even if it touched me a lot .
    But it also made me realize that we should never take anything for granted in life
    thank you so much for sharing .
    God bless you

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  55. VickiJanuary 12, 2011 at 8:26 AM

    It's so true, we must really cherish people, we never know what the future will bring..

    My heart goes out to you Jacki {{hugs}}

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  56. KanYoFuseJanuary 12, 2011 at 9:43 AM

    Wow! What a beautifully amazing tribute. I still have chills. My thoughts and heart reach out and give you the biggest cyber hug that I can. Thank you for sharing Jackie.

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  57. Gilded Owl MusingsJanuary 12, 2011 at 10:02 AM

    Lovely tribute. My prayers are with you.

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  58. jdavissquaredJanuary 12, 2011 at 2:41 PM

    Thinking of you, sweetie! I cannot imagine what you've been through.

    {hugs}

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  59. Christine BurgessJanuary 12, 2011 at 2:45 PM

    I am truly sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine how difficult it must have been and still is for you.
    May God bless you and keep you always.
    Chris

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  60. beachbabydoll1January 14, 2011 at 8:25 AM

    Your loving tribute is eternal. Thanks for sharing it with us. Sylvia

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  61. purple24January 16, 2011 at 6:15 PM

    (((HUGS))) I am so saddened to hear about your husband. I know the feelings you are going through also, but with a tortuous twist to my husbands story. My husband committed suicide this past summer and am still in turmoil over it. There were many attempts since I had known him the last 14 years of his life. In the end, his mental illness won, no matter how much everyone tried to help him.

    ((HUGS)) again...

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  62. giveawaygal87January 11, 2012 at 7:33 AM

    You will be in my prayers!
    God Bless.

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  63. DebbieJanuary 11, 2012 at 7:57 AM

    Big hugs to you Jacki

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  64. UnknownJanuary 11, 2012 at 9:57 AM

    Thank you so very much for sharing your story.It shows the generosity of your heart.After reading this I understand why we have found each other against all odds.Please be kind to yourself.

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  65. UnknownJanuary 11, 2012 at 10:16 AM

    Thank you so very much for your bravery and courage in sharing his story.Now i know why we have found each other against all odds my friend.Although I cannot hold you and comfort you across all these miles yet I will be thinking of you through my own tears.Be kind to yourself my girl.All will well xo

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